I sit here today remembering a fun weekend as I am about a half a second away from blowing up. The weekend was fun. The Fiance worked all day, both days and I had time to spend with my best friend and her BF who I never see. We played cards against humanity and it was the most fun I have had in a long time. It's just something about being with "my" friends that really allows me to open up and just have fun being me. And Cranberitas are fantastic! I feel less like an introvert around my best friend. Maybe because I have known her before my personality was fully developed. I made tacos for everyone and it was really fun to host an actual dinner party. I love having my own place! But like all good things, the weekend came to an end.
I feel a dead end ahead. I feel my ideas and my ambitions are getting too big for the current state I'm in. I feel like a child stuck in one grade for 5 years. I'm not learning anything new and I feel I have so much more to offer the world than what I currently am. I feel the unfairness and the stupidity have gotten the best of me. I need to find a place my ideas are noticed and my hard work is rewarded. I need a place where everyone works together rather than against each other. Where encouragement and efficiency strive. Where conflict is dealt with rather than ignored. Or where questions are forbidden to be asked.
I think this will be the year I move closer to that goal. I hate New Years Resolutions. I think it's a false hope. It's just something that gives you a little ounce of hope that maybe you will actually do something you need to do and that you will probably give up on before March. And I don't care if you disagree with me. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions from their own experiences. Opinions are another subject I'm irritated on right now. If I can stay in the right mindset I think I can do this. My mind has been a little better thanks to Vitamin B. It really has helped with my mood and depression. I also don't cry as much anymore. I want to enroll in College. I want so badly to be able to put all my fear aside and just do it. I'll still have to work full time and take night classes so we can afford to live, but I think I can handle it. I'll be able to knock out some school work at work. I don't really have a social life now, so I won't have to worry about it destroying that. I just need to do it. I need to find something where I have to think and stop feeling like a mindless robot going through the same motions and dealing with the same bullshit every day.
And a little on the opinion bit. I agree everyone should be able to think whatever they want. As long as you have some sort of reason to fight for something, by all means fight. People can like or dislike anything. That's why the world is the way it is. Every person experiences life in a different way, and based on that way they develop their own views. Your education, your confidence/cockiness and whatever else you feel is superior to anyone else doesn't make your opinions better. Maybe you haven't had to experience hardships in your life. Bashing someone's beliefs really pisses me off. Continuously doing so will make me cut you off from my life completely. No matter how "smart" you try to make yourself sound or really even how smart you actually are. I can't stand close mindedness. I also can't stand hypocrisy. I'll use a different scenario for the thing that happened, but it's like this..
What good does it do to go to an AA meeting and tell them all how you hate alcoholics? Why are you there in the first place? Just to give you that feeling of satisfaction for having your opinion heard? Good job. You get the troll of the year award.
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